Judgement is a disease

I'm constantly getting judged. Whether it's about the fact that I am EXTREMELY loud, or that I really don't care what others think about me or my past. But the 2 biggest things I'm judged for is being a teen parent and (the 1 thing that I'm not too big on sharing) the fact that I'm in foster care.

It is extremely hard to watch the faces of people when they find out that I have a kid. It's even harder when they find out that I was 16 when I had my daughter Rilee Payton. She's 2 now and I'm still not used to it. I'm very proud of my Rilee Payton. I wouldn't trade her in for anything in the world. I'm grateful for her. I don't understand what's so hard to believe, I'm a mother just like most women on Earth. I was just young. I don't regret anything dealing with Rilee. I was still in school when I was pregnant and even after I had her. I didn't drop out, I actually graduated a year early. I'm still capable of giving her the life she deserves. I'm not ashamed of being a mother at a young age. I really just wish people could accept that fact though. It's hard to see the disapproving faces of others. It used to put a damper on my day, but I've learned to get over it and move on. I've lost a lot of people because I'm a mother. But the way I see it, they weren't worth it.

I'm not really big on sharing the fact that I'm in foster care with people because that is a hard thing to deal with myself. It isn't easy coping with my parents poor decisions and learning how I have to live with the outcomes of something I couldn't control or fix. When people first hear it, they judge me really quick. They think I was/am a horrible teenager that was too difficult for my parents and caused trouble. I might have done the typical teenage things like skip school and have poor grades; amongst others, but that isn't the main problem. My parents chose their addictions over me. I know they love me, but they love themselves and their substances more. I'm perfectly okay with that, NOW. My new parents have taught me there's a different life style. No matter how happy I am with my life; there's always someone that frowns upon it. When older people find out about my life, they intially think that I was a troublesomed teenager. They pity my parents, real and "fake" as I call them. They pity me because they imagine a horrible life that I went through and how hard it must have been for me. I didn't have an easy childhood, but it could have been worse (I guess). That's all in my past so it's gonna stay there. Until that one day, when I write my life story. HeHe. When people my age find out that I'm in foster care, I get labeled a freak. They think I'm different. But in reality, I'm not different. Still the same person, just happier honestly. It's hard for me to share it with people, only a select few know. Sometimes, it is unavoidable though. I've gotten better with handling it but it's still difficult to wonder what they are thinking. People try not to show their feelings, but sometimes actions speak louder than words or they think they are saying the right thing and it really just makes me feel worse.

I can't change my past but I can work on changing my future. And so far, I'm on the right track. I have my family, even if they are "fake", they are MINE, I have my daughter with unconditional love no matter what. Those 2 things are the only things I need to be happy. If I must say so myself, they all do a pretty darn good job at that. This is my life - and I'm happy!