Judgement is a disease

I'm constantly getting judged. Whether it's about the fact that I am EXTREMELY loud, or that I really don't care what others think about me or my past. But the 2 biggest things I'm judged for is being a teen parent and (the 1 thing that I'm not too big on sharing) the fact that I'm in foster care.

It is extremely hard to watch the faces of people when they find out that I have a kid. It's even harder when they find out that I was 16 when I had my daughter Rilee Payton. She's 2 now and I'm still not used to it. I'm very proud of my Rilee Payton. I wouldn't trade her in for anything in the world. I'm grateful for her. I don't understand what's so hard to believe, I'm a mother just like most women on Earth. I was just young. I don't regret anything dealing with Rilee. I was still in school when I was pregnant and even after I had her. I didn't drop out, I actually graduated a year early. I'm still capable of giving her the life she deserves. I'm not ashamed of being a mother at a young age. I really just wish people could accept that fact though. It's hard to see the disapproving faces of others. It used to put a damper on my day, but I've learned to get over it and move on. I've lost a lot of people because I'm a mother. But the way I see it, they weren't worth it.

I'm not really big on sharing the fact that I'm in foster care with people because that is a hard thing to deal with myself. It isn't easy coping with my parents poor decisions and learning how I have to live with the outcomes of something I couldn't control or fix. When people first hear it, they judge me really quick. They think I was/am a horrible teenager that was too difficult for my parents and caused trouble. I might have done the typical teenage things like skip school and have poor grades; amongst others, but that isn't the main problem. My parents chose their addictions over me. I know they love me, but they love themselves and their substances more. I'm perfectly okay with that, NOW. My new parents have taught me there's a different life style. No matter how happy I am with my life; there's always someone that frowns upon it. When older people find out about my life, they intially think that I was a troublesomed teenager. They pity my parents, real and "fake" as I call them. They pity me because they imagine a horrible life that I went through and how hard it must have been for me. I didn't have an easy childhood, but it could have been worse (I guess). That's all in my past so it's gonna stay there. Until that one day, when I write my life story. HeHe. When people my age find out that I'm in foster care, I get labeled a freak. They think I'm different. But in reality, I'm not different. Still the same person, just happier honestly. It's hard for me to share it with people, only a select few know. Sometimes, it is unavoidable though. I've gotten better with handling it but it's still difficult to wonder what they are thinking. People try not to show their feelings, but sometimes actions speak louder than words or they think they are saying the right thing and it really just makes me feel worse.

I can't change my past but I can work on changing my future. And so far, I'm on the right track. I have my family, even if they are "fake", they are MINE, I have my daughter with unconditional love no matter what. Those 2 things are the only things I need to be happy. If I must say so myself, they all do a pretty darn good job at that. This is my life - and I'm happy!

Being a Mommy..

In all honesty, finding out I was pregnant at the age of 15 was the hardest and scariest thing I've went through. I was scared to see how my parents would react. I knew it was going to be hard to raise a child and still continue with my education. I wasn't ready in any means to be a mother but I took on the responsibility that most wouldn't have. The first time I heard her heart beat at the doctors, I fell in love. It was unbelievable to think that I had another human being growing inside my stomach, that what I ate - she ate, what I breathed - she breathed, what I felt - she felt. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I wasn't gonna give up on something that I had created. It was hard to listen to the disappointment in my mothers voice when I told her I was pregnant. It was hard to walk through a store and have to take in all the looks that the other people would give me because they saw my belly and could tell that I was very young. It was even harder to walk through the hallways at school next to my friends ( the ones that accepted my pregnancy ) and see all the other kids that were once my friends, talk about me behind my back. The love I had for my child was more than enough to be able to forget about all the hard stuff. The closer my pregnancy came to end, the more excited I was to meet this little thing I made. Through 48 hours and 36 minutes of labor, all I could think of, was how much I was ready to finally hold the love of my life in my arms. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever saw. I never thought I could love something as much as I did her at that very moment that I held her in my arms. As the days went on, my love for her grew and grew and grew, as did she. She went from needing me 24/7 to crawling, and then pulling her self up, then walking to running and talking now. It's been an amazing journey the past 2 years. I wouldn't take back one day of my mother hood. It is the absolute best feeling in the world. I still can't believe how one itty bitty thing has made such a HUGE impact on my life. She has made me the better person I am today. Mommy loves you Rilee Payton<3